Hello friends, I hope you are doing well.
Earlier this month I wrote about sitting at the table with Jesus. I wrote about receiving His love instead of trying to earn it. About letting Him stay without feeling like I have to prove why He should.
I did not expect how quickly the Lord would begin to deepen that in me.
Because it is one thing to believe He loves me.
It is another thing to let Him fully see me.
And I have started to notice how often I still hold something back.
I do bring my heart to Him. I do tell Him what is really there.
But even then, I can feel myself trying to steady it myself.
Trying to make sense of it, before I fully lay it down.
I didn’t realize how much that had spread into different parts of my life.
I love being there for others to lean on. But I am realizing how hard it is for me to lean on others, especially when it means letting them see I am not okay.
Maybe people knew about my anxiety or struggles, but only to the extent I let them.
And I think I brought that into my relationship with Jesus too. I let Him into the parts of me that felt a little less overwhelming.
But there was a moment this week that showed me I could trust Him with more than I thought.
And I did not expect it.
Recently, I found myself in a moment where I could not hold it together.
I felt anxiety rising quickly, the kind that does not give you time to think your way out of it. And my first instinct was the same as it has always been…
To leave.
To pull myself together somewhere private.
To not let anyone see me like that.
But I didn’t. I stayed.
And I let someone see me in that state. Fully undone, not composed, not okay.
I remember feeling almost embarrassed by it, like I should have been able to manage it better.
But instead of pulling away, they stayed.
I was held while I cried. Truth was spoken over me when I could not speak it myself. There was no rush to fix me or move me out of it. They just stayed present.
And what struck me later was this.
Nothing about that moment made them love me less.
If anything, it felt like they leaned in more.
And of course, this was not the first time I have been loved like that.
My family has loved me this way for as long as I can remember. They have seen me in hard moments, sat with me through things I could not fix on my own, and never made me feel like I had to earn their care.
But somewhere along the way, I drew a line.
Inside that line was my family. Outside that line was everyone else.
And without ever saying it out loud, I had convinced myself that the kind of love my family gave me was not something anyone else could be trusted with.
I could be warm with people. I could show up for others without hesitation. But the moment something in me started to crack, the moment anxiety rose and my thoughts began to spiral, I would quietly find the exit.
I did not let people outside that inner circle see me like that.
I told myself it was just how I was wired. Now I can see it was self-protection.
But at that moment, I was not put together at all.
And I was still loved.
And I realized something I had not fully understood before: Being loved is not just being cared for at your best. It is being seen in your worst and not being left there alone.
And as I sat with that, I felt the Lord gently connect it for me.
The way I was loved in that moment pointed me back to Him. Because that is what Jesus does.
He does not look away when we crack. He does not wait for us to compose ourselves before He draws near. He moves toward the mess. He holds us in it. He speaks truth when we cannot hear our own thoughts.
And He stays.
I think vulnerability is one of the hardest acts of faith.
Not the kind of vulnerability where you share something you’ve already processed and figured out, but the kind where you let someone see you mid-fall. Before it is over. Before you know how it ends.
That kind of vulnerability says, I trust You with the parts of me I cannot control.
And maybe that is what I am learning.
That vulnerability is not what threatens love.
It is what reveals it.
Because the moment I stop hiding, I realize I never had to.
He is not surprised by me.
He is not overwhelmed by me.
He is not slowly growing tired of me.
He sees the full picture, and He stays.
Vulnerability with Jesus is not exposure. It is the greatest relief in the world.
It is realizing I don’t have to hold myself together in His presence.
It is sitting at the table and not rearranging everything before He sits down.
It is letting Him see the mess and trusting that He is not going anywhere.
If this resonates with you, I want to invite you into something simple this week:
Sit with Jesus. No checklist. No agenda. No pressure.
But this time, pay attention to what you instinctively hold back.
What feels harder to say?
What feels like it needs to be cleaned up first?
What feels like “maybe I will bring that later”?
And bring Him that.
Even if it comes out messy.
Even if it does not make full sense.
Even if it feels uncomfortable.
You do not need to package your heart before you offer it.
He already sees it.
And He is not asking you to be someone else at the table. He is asking you to come as you are.
You are fully known, and still fully loved.
And you do not have to hide anymore.
Love you and praying for you,
Meghan
Here are a few verses and songs that have been helping me sit in this.
Verses:
1 Peter 5:6-7
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
Psalm 34:17-18
“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Isaiah 41:9-10
“I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Songs:
Just Be Held – Casting Crowns
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ&list=RDtIZitK6_IMQ&start_radio=1
Come As You Are – Crowder
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HELQyZNnR-g&list=RDHELQyZNnR-g&start_radio=1
Yeshua – UPPERROOM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFPWpdjJHnI&list=RDeFPWpdjJHnI&start_radio=1
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